I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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