If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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