My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
