I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
