Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
