she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
