I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
