She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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