I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
