I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
