Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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