Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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