She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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