I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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