my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That's when you crack a 10am beer
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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