i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
