At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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