Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
