so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
