I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
