I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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