Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
