that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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