I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
