I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize