My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
