Who wears a wallet chain?!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
