remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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