Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
