I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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