if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
