this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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