Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
