So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
