How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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