The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
