he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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