If that was your dad, he is hot
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
