I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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