I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
