You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Less talking, more tequila
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
