It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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