Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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