the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
