The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
