my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
