I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
