if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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