When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
ttyl tear gas
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
