I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
