Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
