I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
